Ember Grey "Born With a Broken Heart"....1st intro edit....this is the one i used

          Sometimes life is just too hard to keep going. Sometimes i wish it would end. I used to dream of the ways i could die. I knew it would need to be an accident so God didn't hate me. Then i would wonder, would God still hate because i was happy to see death coming? I never wanted God to hate me, so I’m still here. I have always heard you won't be tested beyond what you can bear. I wish i could break. I wish i could be weak. I wish my life would have been more than I could bear so I could break, but i guess it wasn't, so I'm still here. My life has never allowed for any weakness, and as i got older i realized my soul won't allow me to break. I guess they were right, all this pain, i can bear it, because I'm still here.

          I wasn’t quite four years old when I started to feel my mind fading into a silence, my heart’s desire to please was being used as the tool to try to break me. When my mind was silenced my heart easily adopted the beliefs I was being taught. I believed all the pain I endured was for my benefit, all the guilt I felt was mine and I deserved all the pain I felt. I become the perfect victim, blaming myself for what others inflicted on me. When they hurt me I believed that I wasn’t doing enough, it was my fault. I’d try harder to prove I was good but I could never be good enough to make the pain stop.

          The day came eventually when my mind woke up and saw a different reality, what had been done to my heart wasn’t fair, I didn’t deserve this pain, and it had to stop before it killed me. This reality lead to an internal battle that nearly split me into two as my mind fought my heart for the right to live free and find a way to be happy. This was a fight to see the truth in reality, or to continue to believe what I had been taught even if was destroying me.

           Mom had only been married to my step father, Wes, for a few weeks when I first remember a fog entering into my head. I remember as time passed becoming very familiar with this fog and eventually it’s all I remember in my head. Wes stayed at home with me during the day as mom worked. As the youngest of five, between my two brothers and my two new step sisters, I was the only one not old enough to attend school.  Wes took this time to teach me what he saw as truth and what he believed would preserve my life before God. But now I know what he taught wasn’t true because these teachings lead me down a path that stripped my soul from inside me as I nearly lost my mind.

          I remember a sparkle in Wes’s eyes as he would ask me if I had done anything wrong while he was away. At first I thought he was playing with me, I was still strong enough to know that I hadn’t done anything wrong and naïve enough to think he was actually asking a question. I would tell him, “No daddy, I didn’t do anything wrong.” It wasn’t long before I realized this wasn’t a game, and there wasn’t an answer to his questions. Wes always knew better than me, and he knew the things I had done even if I couldn’t remember.

          Wes could tell when I didn't believe him. I remember he didn't get angry at me for not believing him. He got angry at everything but not this, instead he would smile. I think about it now and how I wish he would have just beat me because his anger and physical abuse would have been so much easier to understand and recover from. His way of teaching me was far more effective and penetrated my soul unlike any pain or anger could do because I believed was making me a better person, cleaner and holier before God due to his teachings. I never saw this treatment as abuse. I saw it as what I needed to prove my worthiness and the only way I would ever be able to gain the love I needed.  

          My pain had begun long before I knew Wes. I was desperately searching for what I needed before he entered my life. I had been searching for the love I had lost the day my father abandoned years before.

          I was born on a snowy cold Thanksgiving Day in 1975. The ice on the ground barely slowed dad down as he dropped mom off at the hospital, then drove off leaving mom alone. She had just turned 19 a few months before but still was a pro at giving birth, this was her third time. Dad turned the car to head in the direction of one of his favorite places, the local strip club. Mom had felt great through her entire pregnancy with me. She barely even looked pregnant as she walked into the hospital alone. She could still fit into the same jeans she had before she'd gotten pregnant, i was what you call a dry birth. This means there wasn't as much embolic fluid as there should be, but this hadn't been a huge concern. In fact it was a small issue compared to the issue she was about to have as she tried to give birth to me.

          The contractions had started normal enough and as dad had dropped her off she seemed to be feeling good. Since this was her third pregnancy she felt comfortable that she knew what to expect and wasn’t too worried about getting through this, alone. It wasn’t long after she'd been settled into a room that she noticed the contraction were intense and more painful than she remembered. Everything began moving very quickly after this first bout of incredible pain hit her. She called out for the nurse but nobody came. She knew something was very wrong as she tried to get out of bed, she screamed with the intensity of pain. She tried again. Slowly she inched her way to the edge of the bed not giving in to the intense need to push as the pain made her scream. She managed to get her feet to the floor. She needed to get the nurse's attention. She grabbed the bed to balance her and tried to stand. The pressure from standing caused her to nearly fall over. The pain was so intense it felt like her inside where being ripped out of her. She felt a gush, and thought her water broke but looked down to see a pool of blood on the floor and it was continuing to flow out of her. She began screaming. The room began to spin and she fell back onto the bed.

          She saw the nurse coming into the room, everything was in daze now. She had no reaction as the nurse approached, saw mom and screamed then turned to run out of the room.  Mom didn’t have the strength to comprehend what had happened, she was watching but it wasn't sinking in, all she could or understand was to keep breathing and try not to push. It was like a movie happening in front of her as moments later mom could hear people’s voices, louder as they got closer. Then just outside of her room she was still in too much pain to wonder if she was going to live and if her baby was alive. Even though with every breath her entire body would jump, she continued to breathe through the pain, and tried not to scream.  

         The doctor came into the room with a different nurse than the one who had ran out earlier and started to check the situation. The pain was horrible. The doctor identifies the emergency as he asks mom, “The baby is close can you push?” Mom barely musters the strength to say, “It’s just too hard.”  The doctor says, "You don’t have a choice you have to push, now, you can do this!" As mom tries to find strength, she screams in pain the doctor turns to the nurse, “She isn’t going to be able to push for much longer. She's lost to much blood. We need to move fast.” The nurse asks, “Why is she bleeding like this?” The doctor answers as he feels to try and identify where the baby is at, “Placenta Previa, the placenta is trying to come out first, she’s hemorrhaging, it isn’t completely broken away. It has gone back and the baby’s trying come through. They will both die if it pulls any further way.” The nurse cuts him off, “The baby is still alive?" The doctor shakes his head, “Yes, but in distress and i think the umbilical cord is wrapped around the neck.” They both look stressed as they work quietly but quickly. Within minutes the doctor smiles and gently glides a little girl into this world. He looks at mom; her eyes are glazed over from the pain. She's so weak she can barely see him as he gently tells her, “You have a little girl.” Tears begin to run down mom's cheeks. She’s too weak to even speak a word.

         The nurse takes the baby and rushes out of the room. Mom sees what’s happening but is too weak to react. The doctor tells her, "She’s going to check her condition. They will be back." The doctor continues stitching to stop the bleeding and stabilize mom. Slowly, things calms down. Several minutes pass before the nurse walks back into the now serenely quiet room. She is holding a perfectly healthy baby girl. She walks over to mom who is still too weak to move. She says “You both must be survivors. We weren't sure either of you would pull through. But you both made it, it's a miracle you're alive.” The nurse asks, as she helps mom hold her baby, “What's her name?”  Moms voice is faint as she says, “Her name is Ember.” The nurse smiles and tenderly says, "Well, Ember is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen in all my 22years of delivering babies, she is just perfect.”

         Okay, well, that’s what she said, but let me tell you, I’m not perfect! What she meant was with all the trauma we had just been through it was amazing i was in such good shape. Most babies come out of the trauma of delivery with bruises and misshapen heads. Somehow i made it out unscathed. No bruises and my head was perfectly round instead of the usual cone shaped.  I think about this now and i have to laugh. I realize now the day of my birth set the theme for my life. But i am a survivor. With the entire trauma I’ve experienced, my head is still in good shape, fully intact. Today I'm happy to say, I’m still here! 

******intro end******

           I guess you've figured out I can't say I've always been happy to be here. My dad did come back the day i was born, after he finished drinking with his buddies at the strip club. He left us for good not quite a year later. I've been told i was really attached to my dad. I even have a memory of him holding me, or maybe it was just a dream i had one time. I don't know, but i do know i spent my childhood waiting for the phone to ring. My dad would be on the other end, saying my he missed me. It never happened. My brothers and I spent a few days with him a few times here and there, but that ended when i was eight. I dreamed of daddy that would hold me and tell me he loved me. I dreamed of a daddy that wouldn’t let these people hurt me, but he never came.

         Dad was a rebel. He played drums in a band, he drank, rumored he did drugs, he loved women and all of this was his reputation by the time he was 18. That’s when he met mom, she was 12. Mom was a goody two shoes living with her parents and five younger siblings. She was more of the live in baby sitter to grandma than her daughter. Her mom, my grandma is and was a somewhat cold, opportunist. If she was being sweet, watch out. She was up to something and it usually wasn’t any good for you. She had no conscience about who she hurt, if it was to better her situation. Mom started watching her five younger siblings when she was eight. Serving as a surrogate mom to her siblings was her life because grandma couldn't be bothered. Mom’s dad wasn't any better, both of them were users that loved to argue and manipulate. Her dad was a Military man and he kept the family moving around. Mom never had much of a chance to developed bonds outside her family. She saw so much that bothered her conscience as she watched her parent’s come up with schemes on how to scam others and even each other. They cheated on each other and expected mom to keep their secrets. She was withdrawn and duty bound from a very early age. She carried the guilt of what was laid on her as her own. She carried their burden while they felt nothing.

         She met dad in a small Midwestern town when she was 12. Dad was a player with a big smile and eyes that lit up the room. He was immediately taken with this innocent, shy, freckled, red head girl that never seemed to smile. She was a challenge because she had very strict moral values. She never wanted to be like her parents so she had decided to follow what she had learned at the Catholic Church the few times her mom had taken her. Sex before marriage and drinking were sins. She would have no part of it. After a while all the attention dad gave her broke her down, she wanted to be loved and dad made her feel loved. She gave in to him, and had sex. It was more than she could bear; she was eaten up with guilt. Dad said he would marry her and she wanted that also. Grandma found out about what had happened and treated mom like she was disgusting. Grandpa didn't care what anybody was doing as long as it didn't affect him. Mom and dad had to get permission to get married because she was only 13 and he was 19. Grandma begrudgingly gave consent. 

         At first things were amazing. Mom was dads little pet, he adored her and she loved doing and being anything he wanted. Mom found out she was pregnant when she was 15. She was excited, but this changed something in her, she wanted more stability. She didn't want to spend every weekend in bars parting with dad; she wanted him to be at home with her. This wasn't in dads plan but he played along for a while. 

         One day there was a knock at the door. Mom answered to find two women wearing dresses standing on her porch. The older woman started talking to mom about a paradise earth where all would be perfect, living under Gods rule, no sin, no death, no sickness, everyone would be happy and live forever. This sounded so appealing to mom, she wanted to feel that God loved her but nobody had ever shown her what God really wanted from us to be accepted. She readily accepted a bible study with these women, and quickly began living life according to the values she was being taught.

          Dad wasn't so receptive. It didn't seem to matter because mom was quickly identifying herself as part of this organization. She was being taught how to be one of Gods chosen people. She was coming to understand that the people who stood in her way was from Satan. Anyone not part of this organization was classified as part of Satan’s world. To these people it is black or white, if you are part of their organization you belong to God, if not you belong to Satan. The only reason they would associate with people outside of their organization was to try to convert them over to their beliefs. They would tell them about the paradise that we were meant to be living in according to the Bible. God will return the earth to this paradise garden and return his loyal servants to a perfect state. Then they alert them to the day, being very near, that God would come and destroy all who were not a part of this organization. The survivors were only the faithful ones who listened to this message they taught and took action. These poeple would grow to perfection and be joined by all who have died. Death pays for their sins so these ones would be resurrected to a perfect body, these are the people who will clean up the earth and return it to a paradise. 

         Dad wasn't buying this. He had grown up with these people knocking on his door. His dad would greet them with a shotgun. Then cuss them out and threaten to shoot them if they didn't get off his property. Grandpa found this very amusing. He'd laugh as they ran off his porch into the street. 

        Dad played along, but the more mom pushed him the less he wanted to be around her. Her judgments made him furious and he would flaunt what he did in front of her. He made sure everyone was talking about what he was doing. He was rumored to having affairs. Mom perservered through this time. Eventually she gave birth to my oldest brother, R, after that dad began to get more aggressive with mom. He stayed out late at the bars, there were rumors he was having an affair with mom's counsin, he was regularly drunk. Mom turned to the members of the organization and they showed her how only the righteous are tested by Satan. They showed her this was proof she had found God's true religion through their organization, because Satan was trying to take her away from God through these trials. Mom stood strong through dad’s abuse. She stayed humble to show God she was one of his sheep like people. She continued to encouraged dad to attend the organizations meetings with her. She begged him to stop drinking and partying. Instead he got more violent. She turned to the organization and God and became stronger in knowing she was proving her loyalty to God through these trials. She knew God would give her the strength to endure. She got pregnant again and had C, my other brother. Dad finally decided to go with mom to the organizations meetings. She was so excited as she thought God had answered her prayers. Dad would attend the meetings, smile, and talk to everyone. Then when they got home, he would hit mom and push her around. Once he pretended they were going to the meet with the organization, but instead he dropped her off in the middle of nowhere and left her there to walk back home. At times he would come home from the meeting and run into the house. He would lock the door behind him. he wouldn't let her back and she would spend the night out in the cold.

         Dad got baptized as a member of the organization. Everyone was fooled and thought he was such a wonderful guy. Because he was a member, and her spritual head in Gods eyes mom couldn't go to the congregation for help. She was in subordination to him, as God wanted her to be. She knew if she could just hung in there God would answer her prayers and dad would turn away from this behavior. Mom got pregnant again, with me. This time he didn't care, he tried to kick her in the belly while she was pregnant. He told her it was over, was never home, but yet he still tried to keep up his good reputation with the organization. He would still go to the organizations meetings with her and smile at everyone then find a way to torture her when they got home.

         Mom believed she had found God, and God's people. She wasn't going to give up. She persevered through it. After she gave birth to me, dad informed her he had never intended to come back to get us the day i was born. But out of the kindness of his heart, he decided he would. He officially left when i was nine months old. I probably could count on my fingers the number of times i have spent time with dad. Maybe this sounds cold but I've never been sure who to blame as to why their marriage failed. I see how both sides allowed it to happen. I'm sure they both felt justified in what they did, so i just don't think about it. It doesn't matter anyway. I'm not wanted by either of them, now.