Ember Grey.....2nd option for intro

 EMBER GREY

INTRO

          I wasn’t quite four years old when I started to feel my mind fading into a silence, my heart’s desire to please was being used as the tool to try to break me. With my mind being silenced my heart easily adopted the beliefs I was being taught. I believed all the pain I endured was for my benefit. All the guilt I felt was mine. I deserved all this pain. I become the perfect victim. I blamed myself for what others were inflicted on me. When they would hurt me, I believed I wasn’t doing enough. I believed it was my fault. It made me want to try harder. I wanted to prove I was good. But I could never be good enough to make the pain stop.                                                                           

At times it's felt like life was just too hard to even try to keep going. There have been times I've wished somehow it would all just end. I’ve even dreamed of the ways I could die, accidently. It had to be an accident, because I didn’t want God to hate me. Then I’d wonder if God would still hate me because I was happy to see death coming? I didn't appreciate at all the life he'd given me. I felt so much guilt for longing for the peace and quiet of death. I'd feel guilt for even thinking about it. I'd feel guilt for wishing the pain would stop. I felt I wasn't appreciating the test God was giving me. I wasn't appreciating the refinement he so lovingly was allowing me have. I’d hate myself for wanting to end all of it. I hated myself for hating the pain.  

 Eventually a day came and my mind woke up.  My mind saw a reality very different than what my heart felt. I could logically see what had been done to the most tender part of me wasn’t fair. I saw I didn’t deserve this pain. My mind saw that what my heart believed was slowly killing me. This was not an easy reality. This lead to an internal battle that nearly split me into two as my mind fought my heart for the right to live free. The right to find a way to be happy as my heart fought to continue down the only path it had known without a thought. It continued to work to prove it deserved to be loved and only then would the pain end. This wasn’t just a fight this was a civil war to either see the truth in reality, or to continue to believe what I had been taught even if it was destroying me.

  I’ve never wanted God to hate me, so I didn’t want to question my life but why would he give me life and expect me to enjoy it when everyday was just another day to be raped by this life he gave me?  It seems kind of cruel but I'd push these thoughts away because I knew God wasn't cruel  As i got older i realized why my soul wouldn’t allow me to break. Not because of my love for God or a fear he would be angry with me. My soul refused to die because somewhere inside me, my soul knew I had never lived. As i look back, i understand all the pain i endured hadn’t helped me. It had me trapped between my emotions and logic, my heart and my mind, a fantasy and a reality. Somewhere deep inside I never gave up the fight to free myself from this prison.  I was fighting for the most basic right, my soul’s right to be alive. I see now how it’s always been my responsibility to free my soul from the prison it had been trapped inside and that’s the real reason why I’m still here.